I am really good at running, and I don’t mean exercise running. I mean running away from feelings and emotions and problems and things and people I don’t want to face.
I don’t always like the truth, and sometimes I’d much rather deal with a lie and just live with it. If it’s going to break me, don’t tell me. You can lie to me, as long as I don’t find out.
If I have to tell someone how I feel, I don’t. I look at them and I refuse to stare them in the eye. And then I just run as far as I can and hope they don’t catch up. And when they try to speak to me, I will ignore them. I won’t answer. I won’t read their messages. I am too scared to face emotions.
So maybe I am too scared to face this question of us. And I’d rather just not deal with it. So I want to let you know that most certainly, I am going to run, but I don’t know if I want you to chase me or catch me. I just want to run and run, run as far away as possible as I can. Because I don’t know what to do or what to say and I am afraid of falling for you. I do not want to fall for you. And those are the two things I am really good at, falling and running.
I am really good at running,
yet I am never the first one to walk away.
It’s been easier to fall asleep
for the past few nights,
so I thought I was healing
and I thought I was getting better
but today I heard a song
and it reminded me of you.
And now my heart aches
thinking of the lyrics
and I can’t help but have it on repeat,
because no matter how many bad things
I try to say about you
to convince myself
you are not worth it
and I can do so much better,
I still wish you were here.
I still wish I could rewind time
and go back to when it was you.
It’s one of those nights,
Come and kiss me goodnight
like you said you would on the third night
and I will let you tuck me in
and lay down next to me.
I will forget why you left in the first place
while I dream peacefully
next to your body heat.
I tell myself
that is is over before it even began.
I tell myself I will never go back,
I will never allow you to come close
but I know if you were to reach out
for me once more,
I will come undone
within the brush of your fingertips.
I wish I was strong
enough to shut you out
like you have done to me.
You can pass me without even looking
but I am here,
wishing you would
simply just smile
and say hello.
Because I am dying
to reach out
and grab you
and tell you
I miss you more,